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Last weekend, I tried to convince my friend Mary to stop by Bloomsburg for a few days. I used every pitch in my repertoire. I thought I could woo her with Long Island Ice Teas at Russell's, a football game against C.W. Post, and of course 48 hours spent with Joe Arleth. Shockingly, none of this worked.
In desperation, I decided to hurl a Hail Mary.
"You know, the Bloomsburg Fair is in town".
If we ever compiled a list of the worst things you can say to impress a girl, "The Bloomsburg Fair is in town" would rank just behind "I know Hannah Montana's Hoedown Throwdown by heart" and "I am Editor in Chief of The Voice."
Well, the thought of the Bloomsburg fair did not excite her enough to come visit. In fact, the plan completely backfired and she roasted me via text for the rest of the weekend.
"The Fair? You Bloomsburg kids really know how to party!"
"Huge news! I am starting an East Stroudsburg Fair. Keep your calendar clear!"
I shouldn't have been surprised by her reaction. I think the fair is like one of those "You had to be there" moments. If you don't live in Bloomsburg or you have never visited the event, it's impossible to understand exactly why the fair is exciting.
In a way, the fair and Block Party have similar problems. You can listen to the rumors and stories, digest the photos and videos, and read the cliché recycled media coverage, but until you actually experience these festivities the picture will never be complete.
Last Spring, we took you to Block Party and you never had to worry about receiving a beer shower or stepping in vomit. Now, I'd like to take you through a day at the fair (I feel like this is my Mr. Rogers moment).
I went to the fair on Tuesday September 29th, and here is what I saw:
9:28a.m.- I haven't even brushed my teeth yet and already I am worried that this running journal can't rival the Block Party issue. For starters, my history teacher will be happy to know that I have not consumed an alcoholic beverage today. So unlike last time, this story relies on actual writing skills and witty observations. I am terrified that this will be the most disappointing sequel since Brad Lidge's second season with the Phillies.
9:40a.m.- I may be in history class, but I am busy working on a complex math problem. I'm attempting to discover the relationship between how many deep-fried Oreos my stomach can handle and how many deep-fried Oreos my wallet can afford.
9:55a.m.-It might be a good idea to call a time-out and pay attention to this lecture. If I fail this class, I should start planning a "Block Party 2010" article because I'll be stuck at Bloomsburg for another semester.
10:42a.m.- Out of class three minutes ahead of schedule. Jackpot! Things are already going my way.
10:50a.m.-There are a lot of clichés for college students. Most are lame, but I think there is one trait that the general public has correct. For the most part, we are bankrupt. One of our writers submitted a story about how Professor Dauria has her students collect survey data each year at the fair. Last year, they found that people between the ages of 25 and 44 would most likely spend the most money where as those under 25 will spend the least. Today, unless I hit an ATM, I will be spending 65 cents.
11:09a.m.- My photographer today is Kevin Ward. He just called his dad in an attempt mooch some money. Ward told his dad that he should, "think of it as an investment." Unfortunately, his dad can sniff out a bad investment from over 200 miles away.
11:10a.m.- Proving Mr. Ward's lack of financial faith in us wise, I just withdrew 40 dollars from my savings account. I am struggling to pay my rent and cable bills, but will not hesitate to spend ridiculous amounts of money on a t-shirt and fresh squeezed lemonade.
11:23a.m.- I've been driving around town for 15 minutes now and I am miserable. Out of principal, I refuse to pay any amount of money to park in Bloomsburg. I don't pay to pee in your front yard, I sure am not going to pay to park there.
11:25a.m.- I found a free parking spot somewhere just North of Harrisburg. I might never find my car again, but I saved five dollars.
11:34a.m.- The most critical part of this entire assignment hinges on my ability to enter into the fair for free. I've found that in most situations, if you go up to someone who doesn't really care about their job and ask them where you can find your press pass, and if you pester them long enough they will eventually let you in. This worked to perfection as the friendly and helpful folks at the front gate succumbed to my annoying questions and granted me access to the fair for free. To keep karma on my side, I will use the five dollars saved in this event to tip a fair employee. Pay it forward.
11:41a.m.- Ward quickly decides that it is time
to eat. Since food really is the main attraction at the fair, I don't argue. I can't agree with his yearning for a cheesesteak though. We are from Philadelphia. We can have a cheesesteak any day of the year (and even in the Kehr Union daily). Thankfully, I talk some sense into him and we begin our quest for fair food.
11:45a.m.- I tell Ward about the legend of the "Three for a Dollar" hot dog booth. My former roommate, Andrew Wakelee, once stumbled upon it two years ago. We haven't been able to find it since. I feel like there is some old-school Nintendo "Legend of Zelda" style trick about it. We might have to walk in a circle four times and then burn the third bush from the right.
11:50a.m.- I finally settled on a deep-fried Twinkie and a lemonade (sugar-water). Against all odds, my lifestyle at the fair has already proven unhealthier than my Block Party diet. Tell the surgeon general to chew on that for a bit.
11:53a.m.- My head is spinning from the combination of sugar, the arrival of the Bloomsburg High School Marching Band parading through the crowd performing "Crazy Train," and the newly discovered knowledge that Ward has never seen the movie "Aladdin." I need to sit down for a minute.
11:55a.m.- My buddy Dave Ergott turned me on to a great Bloomsburg Fair pastime. We like to walk around and keep track of all the mullets we find. You get one point for a guy mullet and two points for a female mullet (or She-mullet). As far as I know, the record is 14 in one day. Start the count, we just caught sight of today's first mullet.
11:56a.m.- After out first mullet sighting; right on cue we hear out first "Yee-Haw!" We are smashing records today folks, I can feel it.
12:00a.m.- Ward grabs a slice of pizza from Snyder's (next to the farm museum) and loves it. We talk to the lady at the booth for a while and she admits that the lousy weather this week is hurting sales so far. While we are on the subject, the vendors are very friendly this year. Around this time the winds started swirling and the sky didn't look too friendly. I really felt for the workers as they quickly scrambled to secure their merchandise and sometimes even their stands. Let's hope we see some sun this weekend.
12:05p.m.-We have ourselves a run of free samples! Free mini-donuts and beef (not at the same booth). Ward is rendered practically speechless. "That is good beef. I need to lick my hands."
(I made a mental note to give a free shout-out to the sweet lady who gave us some free beef, but I lost the name of the stand. I think it was called the Beef Pit. I'm really sorry if that is wrong, but to be safe buy beef from everyone you see this weekend).
12:15p.m.- Apparently there is a huge market for hot tubs at the fair. I don't really understand this, but that didn't stop me from investigating and having this exchange with a salesman:
Over-anxious salesman- "Hey buddy! Are you in the market for a hot tub today?"
Me- "I can't even afford to clean my real tub, man."
12:16p.m.- Note to all vendors. If we tell you we are just browsing, then get off our backs. I am not going to be more likely to buy something from you just because you ask me 15 different times what kind of hat I am looking for.
12:25p.m.-We make a pit-stop at the farm museum, because I mean, you are not NOT going to go into the fair museum.
12:30p.m.-Mullet number two. I am officially concerned with our pace.
12:37p.m.-We thought we found another mullet, but we determined that it was too close to call. Ward argued correctly that not counting a mullet is much more important compared to losing our integrity and credibility as journalists.
12:45p.m.- The mullet gods have smiled upon us. We just found a matching mullet and she-mullet. A three-point play!
12:50p.m.- We take a break from walking to play some games. "I-GOT-IT" catches our eye. If you haven't played, it is basically a hybrid of bingo, connect four, and any game involving super balls. It is about as addicting and frustrating as trying to remove a splinter. Each game only costs 50 cents, but once you sit down I promise you are spending five dollars minimum.
12:58p.m.- I never "GOT-IT."
1:11p.m.- Time for some live entertainment. We join the "Big Tiny Young Show" already in progress. He has this crowd rocking. I even think I saw the 95-year-old man next to me open his eyes for a few seconds.
1:12p.m.- To be honest, Big Tiny is putting on a solid show. The crowd gathered is just very awkward. The average age is 84 and I think these people are just lost and waiting for their families to pick them up rather than enjoying the music.
1:13p.m.- Speaking of enjoying music, the best-kept secret in Bloomsburg right now is Friday nights at Russell's. The combination of Irv Ball's music and the Long Island Iced Tea special is just amazing. I cannot believe more people from Bloomsburg haven't caught on to this yet. Wait, why am I telling you all this…
1:20p.m.- The speakers are misfiring and Big Tiny is attempting to fix the problem while telling us a story. Unfortunately, the mic cut out and this is all we heard.
"Yeah, so back on the farm…. (quiet static and muffled noise)…. And so I put it in the wrong hole."
Umm, so that happened.
1:30p.m.-The day might have just peaked. We've stumbled upon some kind of dog competition. The dogs run down a platform before leaping through the air into a pool of water. The dog with the longest jump wins. I can't put into words how awesome and adorable this event is.
1:35p.m.- The "real media" is scooping our dog story. They are getting first dibs on the interviews and prime location for photos. I'd be more upset, but I kind of saw this coming. Reporters with microphones and cameras always get priority of reporters with sweatshirts and a notebook. That is just how the world works.
1:40p.m.- A beautiful white lab just finished a truly pitiful performance. I've seen cows jump further than that. Luckily, this moment lead to the best/worst joke of the day when I screamed, "White dogs can't jump!"
1:45p.m.- Before we leave (I have class in 15 minutes), there is one last quest. We visit Bozo's dunk tank with four dollars and a dream in our cardigans. I took the first three throws (four if you count the ball that bounced back to me), and I am sure that I came about as close to the target as possible without actually hitting it. It was like watching an optical illusion. Bozo, gave me hell for carrying my notebook around.
"HAHAHA. Teacher, here is my essay. I call it, "My Day at the Fair".
"Mom, Dad, I am writing my thesis on Bozo the Clown."
"Nice shot! Don't forget your composition book."
Bozo had a little more respect for the more intimidating looking Ward (who was wearing his Bloomsburg baseball hoodie).
"Whoa, this guy looks like he wakes up and eats clowns for breakfast".
"The last time this guy got a hug was at a family reunion".
Pretty weak stuff, but I don't blame him for not wanting to tick off Ward. Anyway, after missing three straight times in the exact same spot, Ward took off alongside me to our car. About halfway there, Ward admits to me that he busted his shoulder throwing the last ball. That's right. Four years of varsity baseball did nothing, but one day at the Fair has ended his career.
I would have loved to stay for a few more hours. I feel like we missed out on a lot due to our shortened stay and the iffy weather. Maybe this isn't too bad of an outcome though. Unlike Block Party, the fair is a weeklong event. That means you still have time to create your own experience. Check out the Sugarland concert. Try to win some goldfish or neon signs. Ride some amusement park rides. Enjoy the free musical entertainment throughout the concourse. My day revolved around food and mullets (a disappointing three mullets to be exact). You can make your trip to the fair anything you want.
Or you can stay home. I heard East Stroudsburg is planning an even better fair anyway.
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